2009.11.15 19:52:21
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Below is an editted exerpt of Become Fearless on the Oprah.com website that I absolutely love. I’ve chosen this emotional health piece because it speaks to the issue of self-identity and discovery that I am aware many out there are reassessing seeing as it’s approaching the end of the year which I find prompts many people to question the journey on life and self identity they have taken this year.
Ultimately the question leads to figuring out whether or not you are satisfied with it and whether or not and even HOW you should do something to change your life so next year will be a bigger and brighter year. Hopefully this article will help you with how to let go of the fear associated with the impending changes you will need to make.
Let Yourself Be Afraid
My favorite definition of fearlessness is this: the ability to remain soft and open, even under very difficult circumstances. Most often, fear causes us to shut down to our own and others' humanity. We just want to get away, but the quickest way out is to stay. If you can slow down a bit, you can see that fear rises, abides and dissolves on its own. Allowing this process is the mark of the spiritual warrior. The coward turns attention toward fighting fear; the warrior accommodates it.
Try this: The next time you notice fear rising, whether it appears as anxiety, melancholy, or anger, stop, grab a piece of paper, and write one short sentence that describes your fear. Start with the words "I'm afraid…," then scribble the first thoughts that come to mind, without regard for grammar or rationale. It could be something such as, "I'm afraid to check my e-mail because I've already got too much to do," or, "I'm afraid about an upcoming conversation with my boyfriend," or, "I'm afraid I have cancer." Slowly read your words over three times. Take a full inhalation and exhalation after each reading. Avoid any attempt at amping up or toning down your agitation.
Ask for Help
I hate to fly. I hate it. Sometimes I even have panic attacks. I've tried all sorts of strategies to get over this—breathing exercises, visualizations, and Valium. None of these helped all that much. Here's what did: I told someone on the plane that I was afraid to fly, and he offered to get me a glass of water. That's it. To my surprise, I calmed down on the spot. I learned that getting someone to care about me, even for a moment, even if he or she is just pretending, calms me down. The truth is that 99 percent of humanity is good. When you are vulnerable, people actually want to protect you. When you know this, you can relax. The likelihood is that someone will be there for you.
Try this: If you notice panic rising, reach out to someone. You could strike up a little conversation with the person next to you. Or you could call a friend, write a letter, send an e-mail. You don't have to go into the whole story. You can say something like, "I'm having a hard day and thinking about you lifts my spirits." If you don't want to communicate with anyone, make this request within yourself: "May this fear build a bridge between myself and others." The key is to counter the energy of fear, which spirals in and down to make you feel heavy and isolated, with the energy of connection, which spirals out and around, lightening the situation on all levels.
Put Others First
Fear can cause you to ignore your authentic desires and put your life on hold. We want to avoid, retreat, and think what we want isn't possible or realistic. This doesn't hurt only you! Those who love you are also deprived, but just as often I find the opposite works. When I stop and remember who is in my life, why I love them, what they need, and how happy they would be made by my happiness, I find tremendous courage to face my fears. I'm doing it for us! My actions are rooted in love, not aggression—and loving others is a secret power source of fearlessness.
Try this: Ask yourself: "If I were to get past my worst fears, who else would be made happy?" If you can't think of one person who would delight in your delight, imagine the person you most admire sitting across from you. This person can be real or fictional, but when you think of them, you feel a great sense of encouragement. Write down each person's name and explain why he or she would feel happy if you conquered your fear.
Cheer Up
This may sound facile and nonprofound. But it's actually the opposite. In an essay called "Working with Early Morning Depression," Buddhist teacher Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche says, "There's always the primordial dot: that spark of goodness that exists even before you think. We are worthy of that. Everybody possesses that unconditioned possibility of cheerfulness, which is not connected purely with either pain or pleasure. You have an inclination: in the flash of one second you feel what needs to be done. It is not a product of your education; it is not scientific or logical; you simply pick up on the message. And then you act: you just do it."
Try this: The next time you feel shaky, pause. Say these words to yourself: "I could always just cheer up." And then cheer up. This actually works. It may only last for a few seconds/minutes/hours, but you can always try it again.
Relax
The opposite of fear is not dauntlessness, it's relaxation. The ability to remain open and mindful under all circumstances, no matter how uncomfortable, is a sign of amazing courage. When we're not able to maintain mindfulness, we lose track of what's actually going on around us. We confuse what we think is happening with what is happening. When attention is absorbed in fear, we're distracted from what is actually going on. Like remaining in the still eye of a tornado—as opposed to being swept away by it—fearlessness requires full, moment-to-moment attention and receptivity, two qualities rooted in relaxation.
Try this: The next time you notice fear rising, stop what you're doing. Draw attention inward. Where is the fear manifesting in your body? Fear can show itself in a tense jaw, clenched belly, shallow breathing, and so on. When you locate fear's position, simply relax that area. Let your jaw or stomach go or take a few deep breaths. This is meant to be a physical relaxation, not an emotional one. You don't always have to calm your mind to calm your body. It can work the other way around.
Learn to Meditate
All the suggestions above are predicated on one thing: the ability to maintain mindfulness and awareness, moment to moment, as best you can. When you don't consciously focus your attention, it wanders randomly. Choosing what to focus on requires practice—the practice of meditation. Then it will be easier to put the previous suggestions into play. No matter which type of meditation you do, if you stick with it, your ability to move through fear with confidence will get stronger and stronger.
Dedication
Though I have specified that I am posting this blog due to the time of year we are fast approaching, I am also posting it in dedication of my loved ones who are indeed thinking about reassessing their lives. · One loved one has practically quit everything she knows and about to embark on a 3 months back-packer style overseas trip to open her life and her mind to the wealth of opportunities out there. The crazy thing is she has never travelled before! · Another loved one is embarking already as I blog on an incredibily passionate journey to create and design tshirts and shoes (to start off with). All that she knows is that she is passionate, the rest is faith in her conviction and the strength of others to sustain her and lift her up from the valleys and back onto the peaks of starting and running a business. · Finally, another is questioning whether it is ok to let go of the tough exterior that has protected her for so long and be vulnerable enough to let others see her for who she really is which is a person deserving of all the love in the world.
Also I am posting this blog as an exercise for me in being fearless in my approach to caring for others. I am the type of person who shows others I care through using the love language of acts of service and words of affirmation. One person who I have come to grow close to finds my demeanor too much to handle at times for they are not used to others displaying these two love languages towards them constantly. For me then, being fearless is not to let that criticism make me question myself and stop me from being who I am towards the other people in my life who I equally love and cherish.
These dedications are also here in part due to my near death experience during the weekend when my best friend and I were involved in a near car crash collision with me potentially having head injuries as I was in the passengers seat and the car would have rammed into my side of the car if not for my best friends emergency driving skills which saw us vear and accelerate from the oncoming car and then swing 3-4 times dangerously on the road always towards oncoming traffic. I have always valued life but I value it even more. You never really know when today is your last so if not for yourself, live the best life you can as an example for those you love. Life can be short, so do make the most of it. I hope this article helps you begin that wonderful journey!
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2009.11.15 19:31:06
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Spring is upon us and with it the coming of change- so in with the new and out with the old!
For those who are indeed looking at heading into a new direction (particularly Yr 12 school leavers) here’s some food for thought: ever considered doing something that invigorates you instead of just something you are good at??? That’s the approach that Marcus Buckingham, a motivational speaker from the UK advocates as the most fulfilling way to go about living life. Below is a summary of his philosophy.
Strength is something that makes you feel strong.
You are the greatest judge of your strengths
To identify it, find the VERB Don’t let a boss who ‘sees what you did well’ and give you more work based on that because it might not be something you actually LIKE, but you just perservered to get the job done. Just because you are good at it, doesn’t mean you are enjoy it. THAT ISNT A STRENGTH, IT IS A WEAKNESS. BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL DEPLETED, THEREFORE ITS NOT IN ANYONES INTEREST…A STRENGTH IS SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU STRONG. YOU ARE YOUR JUDGE of that, no one else!!! Don’t let someone say your weakness is your strength. Eg: My strength.
I FEEL STRONG when I can change people lives
I FEEL STRONG when I inspire people to live a better life
I FEEL STRONG when I teach people about their health condition and inspire them to take control of their own health
nb: the verbs are the ones in italics. Weakness is something you hate
It does not represent something you are bad it, its not a character flaw
DON’T FALL INTO PERFECTION TRAP, B/C THIS IS NOT ABOUT IDENITFY SOMETHING THAT IS NOT PERFECT ABOUT YOU
To find it find the VERB. Otherwise another method to identify it is to find something that you feel so utterly depleted when you have completed it. But be mindful not to include annoyances that people do to you. Eg: My weaknesses.
I FEEL WEAK when I have to write a financial report that I have no interest in
I FEEL WEAK when I have to manage a team of more than 5 because it becomes less intimate for me
nb: the verbs are the ones in italics. Strategies to leverage my strength and minimize my weakness How toFREE your strengths. Make your strengths sharper
F- ocus:Identify how and where this specific strength helps you in your current role
R-elease:Find the missed opportunity in your current role
E-ducate:Learn new skills and techniques to build this strength
E-xpand:Build/push your job around this strength
Successful people DON’T FIND THE PERFECT JOB, THEY MAKE THE PERFECT JOB FOR THEM BY building their whole jobs around their strengths. How toSTOP weaknesses
S-top: Stop doing it!
T-eam up:With others who are strengthened by this activity
O-ffer:(volunteer intentionally) your strength, so you can’t do other things and steer your job towards it
P-erceive: Your weakness from a different perspective.
1. Look at your weakness through the lens of your strength
Weakness: doing accounts. Strengths: competing against herself.
Solution: Make a game out of it, to see how quickly you could do it each time.
2.Look at it as the 25% of your job that is bad, but remember that the rest, the other 75% is awesome Eg 1:
Weakness: I FEEL WEAK when I have to compete against others.
i.e I have always generally disliked sports.
Strength: But I FEEL STRONG when I can teach myself to be healthy (as well as others).
Solution: Do sports not to compete, but to keep fit. That way I don’t worry what place I come, how slow I come
Result: I do indeed FEEL STRONG when I feel that I am doing the best of abilities, so I now compete against myself, not others. I participate in 5 and 10 km runs and try to improve on my personal best instead of looking to come in a particular place. Eg2:
Weakness: I FEEL WEAK when I have to point out someone’s flaws
Strength: But I FEEL STRONG when I can tell them their strengths so they can grow in that way, through their strengths instead of fixing their weakness
Risky business
Indeed it may seem like a risk to leave your old life behind and strive for something new, but keep this in mind:
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom- ANAIS NIN It hurts to take risks to try something new, but if you don’t take that risk, you’lll be forever in pain
Do whats right for YOU.
Don’t follow rule: Treat others how you would like to be treated. Because that predisposes we are the same. We aren’t.
We should replace the rule as: Treat others how they would like to be treated.
4 THINGS MARCUS BELIEVES IN · 1.Everyone has strengths· 2.No one has the same combination of strengths and weakness as you do. No one, in that regard, is normal · 3.You are your most happy & most resilient, when you play to your strengths· 4.Everyone will win when you play to your strengths.
With all this in mind then, GO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE by doing what invigorates you!!!!
All the best to our Year 12 students sitting their final exams! I sincerely hope that when you get your results you can use it to get into something that rings true to your heart now that you have read this piece. For our tertiary students and working friends, I hope reading this has allowed you to either confirm that you are in the right course/career for you, or to wake you up to find something better for yourself.
If you need help to discuss/air out your thoughts about this, you know where to find me.
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2009.10.11 15:46:10
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I thought this would be an apt topic considering exams are coming up for our Yr 12 students as well as our tertiary educated youths too! So to start off I’ll detail how I deal with stress and then you guys can share with me and the rest of our friends on facebook how you do it and see if we can give each other some new techniques.
I see stress as a positive thing. The physiological (how you feel when you are stressed, ie tight stomach) signs is a cue for me to begin to think about effective methods to deal with the thing that is stressing me. Of course the flip side of the stress response is that when you don’t deal with it, then your stress increases and makes you worse off. For those that already know, I apologise for boring you again with the details, but this phenomenon where stress can be a positive and negative event is known as the Yerkes-Dodson Curve. (If you wish to learn more about the physiology behind the stress response check out http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/stress )
So how do I deal with it to ensure that my stress is on the positive end of the curve and not overwhelm me, I do 3 things · 1. I run each day · 2. I write most weeks · 3. I surround myself constantly with my loved ones.
Running is my ME time/MEDITATION time. It is where I escape and I think things through in the hope of finding a solution. I believe most problems that build up in our lives do so because we don’t give ourselves the time to process it in order to find a resolution. A simple thing like a 30minute run/walk each morning, though sounds like a small amount, ends up making a HUGE difference in cutting out my stress or potential stress build up.
Writing helps me to articulate on paper what exactly is causing my stress response. Sometimes we get so stressed, can’t breath, can’t think straight, and we don’t know why. Writing helps me to process exactly the cause of my issues. And then whilst I’m at it, I brainstorm ways to resolve it. I actually write using word processor so I can always cut/paste/copy ideas into a priority list. Then I send it through as an attachment to my best friend and ask for his opinion on whether I am dealing with it in an appropriate way. That way he is able to help me resolve my issue without it being such a big emotional burden on him as well since I’ve already thought through some solutions and his feedback is more to give me some tweeks here and there in my design. All in all the experience is a positive experience for both him and I.
Surrounding myself with those that love me and those I love back are extremely important because they give me that added perspective that I may have missed out seeing. But more than that, they make me laugh and remind me what life is really about. They give me that positive boost to help me see my stressful situation in a different light too.
At the end of the day though, I think its all about PRIORITISING. Once you’ve figured what you’re priorities are then it’s easy to know what to focus on and what you need to put aside. So if it’s imperative for you to get a GOOD ENTER, then put aside all party plans and study, study, study. If however you are the lucky ones who’se course doesn’t require such hard work to get into, then you can relax a bit and still make it to the majority, if not all, of your friends coming of age celebrations!!!
At the end of the day, you know what you need to do to ACE your chances of doing well for your exams, it’s just a matter of convincing yourself about it and surrounding yourself with the right company who can encourage you to stick by your convictions! On that note, why don’t you guys post back the techniques you use to de-stress and/or get ahead of your studies for big exams. Sharing is caring!!!
Best of luck for your preparations!
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2009.10.04 16:26:49
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At the AVWA office, a few colleagues and I have embraced BIKRAM YOGA, and I can’t stop but rave about it!!!! Last month we signed up for this new fitness regime at an inner city studio that gave us unlimited yoga classes for 10 days for the special introductory price of $19!!! Can you believe it, we rocked up to the 6am sessions 4 times during those 10 days! That’s dedication!
What is Bikram Yoga?
Basically Bikram Yoga is a form of yoga that aims to better help the participant stretch through presenting the class in a heated room. · The idea is that our muscles stretch better in warmer environment. Having said that, the classes aren’t just WARM, they can be HOT and sometimes for new beginners its almost like being in a middle of a HEAT WAVE. But it’s controlled and if you feel overwhelmed it’s ok to just sit and watch on. · Oh and let me make this clear- YOU WILL SWEAT A LOT, as if you’ve just ran more than 5-10km. Honestly because I sweat more during a class of Bikram Yoga than running 5-10km. The idea is also to help the body detox all the bad things inside it with the underlying motif that YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE, and so anything that shouldn’t be there is encouraged to exit via the sweat pores! Having said that there is another way yoga helps the body to detox, but more about that below.
The science behind yoga in general
It’s about enabling yourself to breath properly because apparently we don’t do it right and thus are not bringing as much oxygen (the purpose of breathing) into our body as we should be. Here is what Dr Mehmet Oz had to say about this and the other effects of yoga · Most of us never take a deep breath all day long. The most fundamental practice in yoga is the deep, belly breath through the nose. The diaphragm is a large muscle located just below the lungs that ideally should pull down the lungs during inspiration. This is why young children push their stomach out when sleeping or exercising. Adults need to do the same. To properly exhale, suck your belly button toward your spine to push the diaphragm up and empty all the air from your lungs. This process also brings nitric oxide—not nitrous oxide—from the back of the nose into your lungs, which dilates arteries to bring more oxygen into your body. · Yoga helps clean blood of waste material (through lymphatic stimulation), and trains us to loosen muscles and joints that are ignored in our day-to-day lives. Routines like sun salutation get the blood flowing as we warm up and free our body to experience the new stresses we will face. The practice also gets us to handle the weight of our body more effectively, which builds bone and muscle strength so we are more resilient to the frailty that afflicts many. This is why power yoga practitioners have great bodies. · Finally, yoga gets us to focus our minds on remote parts of our body—like tight joints and muscles—as we gently but firmly deepen into our poses. For people like me, meditation proves difficult because our mind wonders. But if we can concentrate on the tension in our hips as we empty our mind, then we are well on the way.
So what do you think? Time to start practicing YOGA? It REALLY is great!I know that having done it for only those 4 sessions I was definitely more stretchy/bendable and people even commented on how great my complexion was (due to the good blood flow!) So to sign off, do give yoga a chance and let’s start your mornings with REJUVENATION!
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2009.10.04 15:47:33
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Spring Spring Spring!
The weather everyday is looking better, less rain, more sunshine and everyone just seems generally happier! It's that time to do the spring cleaning, so whilst you're doing that, why not spring clean the way you live life so that you have a longer, healthier one too instead of one clogged full of junk food, stress and fatigue?
Below is an editted version of an article called 'Secrets of the Blue Zone' featured on the Oprah website as a result of Dr Oz and his co-investigator Dan's trip to these zones to better understand why it is that people living here statistically live longer than other people on earth. I have editted it to get straight to the point. It contains 5 methods to living longer and healthier based on the way people live life in The 'Blue Zone'. Enjoy and may this spring bring you healthier choices!
Putting family first = longer life
Sardinians are one group of people identified as living longer than most people. What's the secret to the Sardinians' long lives? Red wine. "It's actually polyphenols, which is a type of artery-scrubbing antioxidant. We actually had this wine tested. It has three times the level of antioxidants than any other wine," Dan states.
Dr. Oz says 90 percent of the benefit of wine is because of its alcohol. The other 10 percent is because it's got an antioxidant called resveratrol.
But the real benefits of drinking wine—red or white—aren't nutritional. "Wine happens at 5 at night when you get together with your friends. It happens with your family. And it's as much the ritual and doing it a little bit every day," Dan says. "They say people who drink two glasses of wine a day outlive those people who don't drink any. But you can't save up and drink 14 on Saturday."
Living like a Sardinian means putting family first and celebrating those in your closest social circles. Studies show that people who live in healthy families suffer lower rates of depression, suicide and stress. "The biggest determiner of how long you live is who you hang out with. If your three best friends are overweight, there's a 50 percent better chance that you'll be overweight yourself," Dan says.
Be with young people = feel more invigorated
Dr. Wareham, a resident in Sardinian, has been taking patients into the operating room since before Dr. Oz was born. To learn more of his secrets of longevity, Dr. Oz scrubs in with Dr. Wareham, who's glad to have him. "I think that if you're old, you should keep away from old people. And keep with young people, you see," Dr. Wareham says. "If I can keep around fellas like you, I'll be invigorated for days from having met you."
Having performed more than 12,000 operations in his life, Dr. Wareham credits his passion for work with keeping him healthy. "I doubt if my health would be as good as it is now," he says. "And I am fearful to change anything I'm doing because I'm not only alive, but I feel good. I'm not taking any medications."
So as we already ARE young, let's share our time with our older loved ones then so help them live longer!
Knowing your purpose= live longer
But it may not be the work that's keeping Dr. Wareham healthy. It's more about a sense of purpose, Dr. Oz says. Dan says people in most blue zones don't even have a word for retirement. "Before you retire, knowing what your values are, knowing what your gifts are and where to share those gifts. That's a great investment," Dan says.
Not even Barbara, Dr. Wareham's wife of 58 years, wants him to retire. "People ask me that a lot and I just say, 'Leave him alone. He's happy,'" she says. "I don't think he'd be nearly so happy just sitting at home."
Exercise & Volunteer= long life
While investigating the longevity of the Loma Lindans, another idenitifed Blue Zone area, Dan had the pleasure of meeting 103-year-old Marge Jetton. Marge's secret to staying healthy is daily exercise and volunteerism.
Marge's daily exercise routine consists of weight lifting and riding a stationary bicycle for 7 or 8 miles at 25 mph! "You know, it's impressive," Dr. Oz says. "Most folks watching this program I don't think can go 25 miles an hour." While Marge demonstrates her dumbbell workout, Dr. Oz notices how strong her arms look. "They're very big. This is priceless," Dr. Oz says. "She's pumping iron."
Being in a community that shares the same values
Dan believes that being a member of a community where everyone has the same values can add quality years to your life (he used example of these people sharing the same religion but I take it to mean being in a community of like minded people- religion or non-religious wise.) Dr. Oz says that showing gratitude is another reason why people in these communities have such long and healthy lives. "If you're grateful for the things that have always happened to you, sometimes they're not always good, but you find lessons and meaning in them," Dr. Oz says. "Hope isn't about a good outcome. It's about making sense of stuff. And these people have made sense of their life, and they do it all the time."
The Okinawans attribute their health and longevity to a couple of words, ikigai and moai. Ikigai means "that which makes one's life worth living." Moai means that one has a social support network. "Having lifelong friends is key to shedding stress," Dr. Oz says. Daily exercise and gardening are a few ways in which 84-year-old Fumiyasa Yomikawa gets his ikigai.
Simple rules aren't they? That's what I found reading through it, hence I wanted to share it on this blog. Let's hope we can put into practise one, if not all of these points eventually into our lives and live the happy life that we all deserve and long for! Any comments, please feel free to write/voice them.
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2009.09.09 14:21:12
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So what’s the big deal about health checkups? Especially when you’re feeling alright. I mean, we are are young, hip, fun…life is…in general…great! Well it’s more for peace of mind and let’s us keep on top of our health so that life continues to be fun, magical and full of exciting new surprises!!
As we grow up, learning to love ourselves for our imperfections and the great beings that we women are, we should extend that love to give ourselves the gift of a regular health check each year. Perhaps schedule it in on your birthday or near there since health is something to be celebrated too!
And in the spirit of love I say: Your body is a temple ….who just burst out laughing?...no, really…it’s true, your body is a temple, it’s the most amazing thing created….despite all the stuff we do to it, boozy nights out, fast food pig outs, chocolate binges and sleep deprivation, it still functions well, getting us through early morning starts whether it be to high school or horrible 9am lectures at university/tafe or even 9am starts at work…sigh….anyway!....so really, we should be thankful of its amazing genius in putting up with all the things we throw at (into) it!
So in the spirit of thankfulness, lug it into the doctors office once a year for a check up just to make sure it’s ok to function for us for another year….(having said that, we would be making it much easier for our bodies to function if we cut back on the booze, sugar, sleepless nights etc…but that’s for another blog...maybe..I mean I am writing to teenagers and young adults who are nearly, or at the legal age to drink and club).
So what’s involved? What tests should you ask for?
Based on our age (15-25 years old, as each age bracket requires different tests) the ones to get done are: · cholesterol test, · blood sugar levels,· STIs & Papsmears if you are sexually active,· physical examination, · eye test
This will require you to go to a GP, optometrist and if you prefer a sexual health clinic for the STIs and Papsmears test such as Melbourne Sexual Health Clinic. The doctors and nurses there are highly experienced specialists in all aspects of sexual health, so clients visiting MSHC can be assured of high quality professional and non-judgmental care. Click on this link to find a clinic near you http://www.mshc.org.au/ServicesinYourArea/tabid/205/Default.aspx
Papsmears
I thought I’d go into a bit of detail about this test seeing as it was a point of interest from the SafeSex round table discussion event held on the 21.08.2009 as a follow on of the SafeSex Blog posted here earlier.
The test itself does not diagnose cancer, but is a screening tool to find early changes in the cervix (neck of the womb) which indicate cancer might develop.
The test itself takes a few minutes, no anaesthetics are required and it can be done by a general practitioner, nurse or women's health worker. A device called a speculum is used to widen the opening of the vagina so that the cervix can be examined. A plastic spatula is used to then collect cells from the cervix which are then sent off to the lab. Depending on the person conducting the test, the patient's perception of the procedure ranges from no discomfort at all to some discomfort. This is where I recommend going to a sexual health clinic which specialises in these things and ensures high quality care as their trademark.
Besides the tests listed above, you can by all means ask for different tests should you wish. If your normal GP doesn’t want to have them done but you feel that it’s important, there is no harm in going to another GP to get their opinion on it and to see if they will do it. Just like every other service, we have a right to shop around.
So, now that I’ve got your attention, book an appointment with your GP and get that health check done, or at least key it in as a must do sometime near your birthday!
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2009.08.04 15:07:58
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Sex. There isn’t even a proper word for it in our Vietnamese language. That’s how taboo it is in our community, which is funny in the sense that it’s necessary to propagate the community. 'Lay' which means ‘to take’ or 'ngu' which means to sleep is the only equivalent I can think of.
The extent of the sexual awareness discussion in our community goes along the lines of ‘Don’t do it until you’re married’ ‘Don’t hold hands or kiss for that matter, you can get pregnant if you hold hands'
This is in stark contrast to what we are exposed to going though the western educational system, where for most, the topic of sexual reproduction was brought to our attention at the start of high school. In light of this juxtaposition, it makes sense why I am always surprised when I find out from the Vietnamese adults I speak to, that they have had no idea what to expect on their wedding night, since no one, not even their mother discussed it with them.
Through tradition then, despite the fact we are educated about it at school which our parents/guardians are fully aware of, willingness towards giving loving advice about sex and relationships is still non existent. We can talk about education and careers until we are blue in the face, but sex and relationships which is equally as important to our lives as functional beings- is fervently avoided.
If sex is not discussable, especially in the comfort and space of people who care for us, then with it dies the safe sex talk. Now whether you’re single or married I believe you should be wised up about sex and with it safe sex, otherwise the consequences of not knowing are worse than wanting to explore as a result of knowing. The latter is what our parents/guardian fear, which is why sex is so taboo. In their eyes to know = a higher chance to engage in the act to not know= to not engage…
This is unrealistic on so many levels, one being the sexualisation of practically everything in the media, and two being the fact it is discussed in the classroom and amongst friends. At the of the day, parents/guardians should see that the best course of action needed to protect their dependent from making bad sexual decisions is not to keep their child in the dark but to empower them through knowledge, a barrier I will attempt to break in this blog.
So safe sex knowledge, what is it?
It is about knowing what to do to prevent against falling pregnant (if you’re not ready to have a child) and also more importantly, from contracting a sexually transmitted illness (STI).
And girls and boys, it’s about using both the female contraception and male contraception ie. the PILL and CONDOM in tandem. Remember it takes 2 to have sex and therefore 2 people to have safe sex.
For females, it’s always best to see your doctor to discuss the options since there are many forms and the best way to protect yourself is to find one that tailors to your individual body. Sometimes you might have to go on and off several forms before the right match is found, but when you find it, you will be thankful. Think of it as trying to find the right pair of jeans!
For males, not much is available besides the condom which should not be kept in the wallet for months on end, since the material will disintegrate over time and be useless. The male version of the pill is available in some areas so if that sounds like something you are interested in you need to discuss that with your doctor. However, again it should be used in tandem with a condom.
Now let’s take it one step further by discussing exactly how STIs and teen pregnancy can be an inconvenience to your life or your plans for the future.
STI reality check · symptoms may not be noticeable at first so your partner may look fine, but s/he still has the virus · once you get the virus, you might need to be on medication for life · you are legally required to tell every sexual partner you have of your condition or you will be taken to court for withholding that information should they contract the STI from you. · of course the mood is killed when you tell an interested part you have an STI, but if you are with someone who really wants to be with you then this is just a minor obstacle and if anything reinforces the need to use protection.
In light of this, if either you or your current partner has had previous partners, it is important to get a STI check. It might sound daunting to ask them for it, but that shouldn’t even be a consideration if you wish to have a respectful relationship.
Teen Pregnancy Reality Check · as a teen you want to go out, meet people and have fun. With a baby that comes unexpectedly, these things then aren’t as easily accessible anymore. · any dreams you had will need to be postponed, which is fair enough, but can be tough to handle when you see your peers get to their dreams so easily (in you eyes) · friends might not be able to relate to you as much as they want to due to this life experience, and you might feel isolated. · your friends will always gush about how great the baby is, when you know the other side which they won’t- the crying, the poo, the cost of supporting the baby and that realistically the baby bonus just isn’t enough!!! A couple of grand sounds big when you are a teen and earning $10 bux an hour working at a fast food joint but it actually costs around 1 million dollars to raise a kid up to the age of 18 years.
I hope this short introduction has been informative, if not to yourself, then maybe you can pass it onto someone who might need it. Although out of curiousity, has anyone had the luxury of talking about the above at the kitchen table? If so, what was that like?
Perhaps we could revolutionise what is discussed at a Vietnamese dinner table by having an older sibling use the information here to advise a younger sibling in front of the parents as the first step to breaking the barrier. Is anyone willing to try that? If so, I would really appreciate knowing the results, however please be mindful I am not advocating for you to get in trouble since that would only make the barrier even more tough to break in the future which would be counterproductive to our purpose to make sex talk more acceptable!!!
That’s it from me this month- if you want other topics to be raised on these blogs, please send through your suggestions and I will endeavour to get to them if I’m not already working on it to empower all of us further! That’s what it's about- empowerment!
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